I'm Still Hungry

Justin....

 

Sometimes he's all that soothes the pain.

It's been a while...

I haven't updated the ole' bloggy-blog since January. Mostly because I've been kinda miserable. I moved to NYC to find a new job, get a new lease on life, the usual, the crap that dreams are made of. But the fuckin' city is EXPENSIVE and me and my boy are po'. I've been in a job since November that I thought I'd dig because it's with a Yoga Company,  but I'm now a sales girl sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day. I wanna die. I'm the gal who promised NEVER to do a job I hated. I used to trust that I'd be taken care of and I used to take risks on the Universe's behalf. I was that girl.

But I feel stuck and scared to make a move.

My mind, that noisy judgmental piece of shit inside my skull, says I've failed. It says I was fine in DC and I've made a huge mistake. I've started grad school, to get my Masters in Social Work but I'm not sure if that's the right thing. I miss teaching yoga, it's really hard to get teaching gigs in the city, there are as many yoga teachers as there are in San Francisco. I miss having the time and space to pray and meditate and write. I feel really unsure of myself and I miss myself.

I'm 33 years old and I feel like I had it all and it somehow slipped through my fingers. I'm in a lot of debt, in a job I hate, in a city that I don't really love.

Mother God help me.

This is what I did all the time when I was happy. Now I'm too busy selling yoga and sitting on my ass to practice. It makes Paula a very boring girl.